While whisking the cake batter for my little girls' birthday today, this thought wandered my mind like how come I got so lucky and what did I do to deserve this sweet angel and this loving perfect little family. My little one disturbed my thoughts and brought me back to reality as she came in the kitchen and held the corner of my apron very tightly and said, "Momma, caught you!" All of this took me by surprise and I spilled some of the cake batter on the kitchen counter. "Ria darling don't disturb momma now, I'm baking this delicious for your birthday party na baccha." I said that and picked her up and made her sit beside me on the kitchen counter. "Chocolate cake! Chocolate cake!" This girl started banging the utensils kept on near the sink. "Keep quiet! No it's not chocolate. It's something which I like. This is something new and it'll be red. That's my favourite colour now." I shush the girl. "Red like blood mommy? Bright red as my blood right which you spilled and splashed a few months back and enjoyed the sight of it." Her eyes turn blood red and I just pick up the knife to make her stop talking and cut something. The sharp pain brings me back to the reality and I realise I cut my own hand. This sudden reality reminds me that my little girl is no more as I was the one who took her life a few months back and now I was talking to myself here. My baby was gone and I was to be punished for it. But then suddenly I feel like baking the cake. I mean we shouldn't leave a task incomplete right!? So I continue doing my work. Then I feel this year's cake should have this bright red colour and what could be better than my own blood. Eh! So I mark a vein on my left wrist and with one swift motion I cut my own hand. With all the blood dripping in the bowl and the pain mixed with it I realise what I did to myself but now it's just too late and with that I just decide to say goodbye to my beloved husband and the father of my now deceased child. As I put that cake in the oven to bake I find a piece of paper and with no pen lying around I just scribble these last few words for my love with my own blood. "Love, I'm sorry but I can't take it anymore. You say it wasn't me who killed our child but someone who's in my own head. You and the doctors call her my other Personality and you say I suffer from something called the Multiple Personality Disorder(MPD) and it's not my fault for half of the stuff I do but my love whatever it is, it still gives me no write to kill anyone and that too our daughter. Even though it wasn't me but it was me right!? So I'm sorry but I think it's time to go now. I baked a cake for our ria's b'day today. It's all like a deja vu now. I spilled my daughter's blood a few months back and now I'm spilling mine! I think this is just my other personality trying to kill me or me killing myself over all this guilt but anyways I'm sorry. This was all bullshit I don't know why I'm saying sorry or goodbye. This woman doesn't deserve to live like this . I don't know why I'm living in her body. She's so weak. Caring about her family, her husband, child and what not. She's fragile and week and this cruel world doesn't deserve us. Her husband wanted to cure her right so I finished him to of course anyone who tries to hurt her, hurts me hence get killed. I'll take us to a better place now. Where the world isn't so cruel, where the sun shines a little brighter and the moon soothes you a little more than here. Goodbye cruel world. Goodbye!"
That's how dangerous this disorder can me. People suffering from MPD, most of the times don't even know that their other personality exists and this other Personality is usually something made up from reprimanded thoughts or fears and it can be completely opposite to what one is otherwise. We should know how dangerous this can be and if not treated it can be fatal too. And yes there's no such thing as "bhootbadha", "Chudail ka saaya" or any other absurd names people give this legitimate disease just because they're unaware about what it is! I hope this would help spread awareness of such mental disorders and would be looked upon something as normal disease rather than some vicious devil like thing.
- Shamaa Khairnar
